For years, I worked in Risk Management, and conducted incident investigations (I loved it). In Risk Analysis, the goal is to discover the Root Causes of faults, or problems. Once the “root” is identified, then we establish the proper controls to either eliminate the hazard or mitigate the damages.
Well, when I found myself at my lowest point in life. I found it necessary to ask GOD to reveal to me the “Root Cause” of the issues in my Life. I’m a writer of Poetry, and this is the Prayer/Poem I wrote. I called it “Friday’s (Show Me My Worth). At the time, I hated Friday nights. Loneliness seemed to be at its LOUDEST on Fridays. Not anymore, thankfully.
Anyway, I’m dedicating this to anyone who may feel discouraged, overwhelmed or Lonely. God is with you. You are Loved. More importantly, you are NOT alone. Jesus Loves you, and I Love you too. I hope you enjoy.
Friday’s
I wish that I could say that
I’ve never been a fool for love
Never Been the type to be
Took advantaged of But,
That’s not my truth and I don’t feel the need to lie to you.
I wish that I could say that
I never act CRAZY,
All the time, Every Time I act like a Lady But,
That’s not my truth, I Know my truth. Now, so do you.
I wish that I could say that
I’ve made the Best decisions
Never said a word to cause any Division But,
No, I’m not perfect. Yes, I’m imperfect. Beautifully Broken.
I wish that I could say that
Every man I’ve ever loved
Always Loved me back But,
That’s not the truth, Truth is Never, Not one.
Never, no not one
Never, no not one
Was well enough to be the man I needed
My heart often conceded or maybe I’m just conceited
Lord, show me the Root Cause of my Hurt
My Heart, Oh God it hurts
Show me my worth Lord
Next time I’ll Seek you First
Friday’s the worst day, Friday my love went away
God, I need to know, show me the Root cause of my hurt
My heart, Lord it hurts
Show me my worth
I wish that I could say that
I’ve never been a fool for love
Never Been the type to be
Took advantaged of But,
That’s not my truth, I know my truth. Now, so do you.
LOYALTY It seems my greatest Strength was my greatest Weakness
LOVED him UNCONDITIONALLY.
I WAS Loyal to a Fault, when he was NEVER Loyal to Me.
I wish that I could say that
Every man I’ve ever loved
Was always Worthy, But
That’s not the truth,
He didn’t deserve it, they don’t deserve it, Heck No, he didn’t deserve it.
Lord, show me the Root Cause of my Hurt
My Heart, Oh God it hurts
Show me my worth Lord
Next time I’ll Seek you First
Friday’s the worst day, Friday’s a tough dy.
Friday my love went away.
God, I need to know, show me the Root cause of my hurt.
Almost, every image-centric platform such as Snapchat, Instagram and Facebook lets their users post filtered photos. Millions of new images are updated daily, and these sites let users filter, edit, and crop out any undesirable aspects of themselves. Interestingly, it usually takes about 4 to 6 selfies, before a person usually decides to upload the one photo deemed to be upload worthy.
Unfortunately,
this constant, secret visual manipulation creates an unrealistic portrait to
onlookers of what other people and their lives look like. Consequently, this
fixation on what we look like has led to decreased self-esteem, and increased
anxiety. Now, there are studies being conducted to gain insights into just how
much these unrealistic portraits are contributing to a mental health crisis.
Sadly, there are
many people whose identities and self-worth are attached to the number of likes,
and thumbs they receive underneath their photos. Unfortunately, those same
people are left disillusioned by the social media world. And increasingly, as a
society we are more concerned with creating the right illusion, that we are
forgetting how to create meaningful real-life experiences.
So,
it’s no wonder this disillusionment has spilled over into
the dating world……
Dating, whether
meeting a person online or organically requires the dater to assume a level of
risk. So, when we decide to take on the
daunting task of getting to know someone, we naturally and instinctively will
put our “best foot” forward. Our desires to make a good impression intensifies
as we inwardly ask, “Could this be the one?”
As a result, we often will withhold certain aspects of our lives and personalities from our prospective beaus. This is a completely normal and acceptable act. After all, you shouldn’t “expose your hand” up front. Especially, since the first date may be too early to know where the relationship is heading.
However, the
problem arises when you are six months to one year into the relationship, and
you still have not shown your true self to your beau. This is what I call the “Filter Dating
Syndrome.”
Filter Dating Syndrome
The truth is,
falling in love, is scary! Unfortunately, many people use filters in
dating. We hide our true selves to make ourselves seem more attractive. We
inherently believe that if another person knew all about our imperfections,
then they couldn’t, and wouldn’t want to love us. This is caused by having a
low self-efficacy. It means that the way we see our true selves is so low, that
even if another person were to see your true value, you would distrust that
individual.
On the other hand, there are those who are so afraid of being hurt, that they have imprisoned themselves behind a wall of hardheartedness. These people pretend not to care and keep people at a distance. This too is a filter.
Sadly, the root
cause of our inferiority complex runs so deep, that it goes unrecognizable even
to ourselves. So, we wear masks to hide behind, we put on the rainbow, flower
filters, and just smile for the camera. All the while, we’re crying on in the
inside and repelling the one thing we truly desire……. Authentic Love.
“We long to share our best selves with
the person who would be trustworthy of receiving our best.” Shawn Bolz
Authentic love requires vulnerability.
Vulnerability is defined as the quality or state of being exposed to the
possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. No
one likes to be vulnerable. No one wants to be in a position where they must
give someone else the power to hurt them. Yet, until we do so, we will not
receive the deep, satisfying love our heart desires, and that Our Heavenly
Father desires for us to have.
Three Ways to be YOU!
Guard
your Hearts
Scripture
tells us in Proverbs 4:23, “above all else guard your heart, for everything you
do flows from it.” What we think, feel and believe about ourselves impacts our
behavior. Take time to pray and ask the Holy Spirit for guidance on identifying
the toxic, root cause of your faulty thinking. Seeking help from a Professional
Counselor will aid in restoring a healthy self-concept.
Start
Where You Are
According
to Psalm 139: 14, You are fearfully and wonderfully made, so praise God! Your journey is a God filled journey, and who
you are right now, as you read this is so full of value. You are worthy, you
are ENOUGH! The person who is meant to love you will celebrate your
achievements and your failures, because it made you the person you are today.
Practice
Being Vulnerable
I
love Lamentations 3:40, which says “Let us examine our ways and test them and
let us return to the Lord.” Ask yourself, how did you get to this point. Practicing
vulnerability simply means, to be honest.
You only need just one person within your sphere of influence with whom
you can be comfortable with sharing your story. Tell them your fears, your
hopes and dreams. There is so much safety in the multitude of counsel and
sharing our thoughts with people helps to provide a fresh perspective. Also, it
forces us to consider points of views we may not have considered on our own.
Pouring out our grievances help to strengthen our inner
worlds, so we can see God in the outside world. If you don’t have people surrounding you that
you can trust, then I pray the Holy Spirit aligns you with empathetic, and
trustworthy people who can listen without prejudice.
In closing, I just want all of you to know that who you
really are is worth loving. So, be free in the Lord’s presence.
Be free to show them who you really are. Take the filters off!
We are often willing participants in our own victimization, and
I hate that. I equally abhor how we stay in disappointing relationships longer
than we should. So, the question is “Why do we stay in relationships long past
their expiration dates?” So, to better understand this behavior, and why I
engaged in such self-defeating behavior for so long (and on more than one occasion),
I prayerfully began to explore this topic and discover my own truth.
My most recent relationship lasted for about 6 ½ years. He
was unlike anyone I had ever dated before. However, early in the relationship
he told me that he had no peace in moving forward in building a long-term future
with me. Granted he was guilty of sending mixed signals, but this isn’t about
him, this is a self-examination of my own defeating behaviors. And self-examination
is the starting point for growth, (Soooooo, two times for growth! WHOOP WHOOP!).
What is
Self- Defeating Behavior?
Self- defeating behavior is any behavior that takes you
further away from anything you truly want. It is sabotaging your own health,
well-being and happiness. It is doing what you know is not good for you to do. According to Practical Recovery, some common
self-defeating behavioral patterns include:
Stubbornness: needing to always be right
People pleasing: at the cost of your own
happiness or health
Obsessing about perfection
Blaming: inability to accept responsibility for
your own mistakes
Procrastination
Inability or refusing to ask for help
Fear of taking healthy risks
Negative Self talk
Self-guilt and feeling undeserving of good
things in life
After examining this list, I realized that I possessed and
demonstrated ALL these behaviors at one point in my life. Thank God for his
Grace and mercy which allows for growth. But, for years I was bound, I was a
prisoner in my own mind, and I didn’t even know it. These worldly, and inferior
mindsets robbed me of the opportunity to have a healthy and viable relationship.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Why I
Stayed?
First, I used to think he was way out of my league, that he was
a person that I should aspire to be like. While, I don’t think it was wrong of
me to admire his good qualities, it was WRONG that I believed I possessed no good
qualities of my own. So, the issue was that I was blind to my own value. I was oblivious
to my own loveliness. Honestly, because I
lacked Identity, I shouldn’t have been trying to date anyone. I believe, this
is one of the reasons why the bible tells us not to awaken or arouse love
before it’s proper time (See: Song of Solomon 8:4).
Secondly, I had low expectations and I failed to set
standards. I was hopelessly short-sighted, and I had no real vision for the type
of relationship I wanted. In conjunction
with the first reason, if you don’t know who you are, it is IMPOSSIBLE to know what you
truly want or Need for that matter.
Lastly, I thought I could change him. Now, this is more
difficult to admit. Of course, there are other reasons, I stayed, (but Whew, Chile we only have
time for 3 today 😊). I
should have listened to him when he first told me, he had no peace in moving
forward. I ignored the flags. In hindsight, I really believed that he would see
things from my perspective, and we could move this thing along. However, all
this did was force the both of us to live a lie, and not living according to
your conviction is hypocrisy. And, hypocrisy murders your spiritual life, and diminishes
your peace and your credibility.
Truthfully, this isn’t the first relationship in which I
adopted such grandiose delusions of erroneously thinking, “I could change” another
human being. Especially, since it is the work of the Holy Spirit to change an
individual. I am convinced that we grossly overstep our realm of authority when
we attempt to change or control someone, this is manipulation. Manipulation is as witchcraft; IT IS
NOT OF GOD! I have been guilty of this before, I’m sure we
all have at some point. Thank God for Grace and Mercy!
The point is, staying in a relationship past its expiration
date does more harm than good. I wish I had exited the relationship 6 ½ years
earlier, then maybe today we would still be Friends. Now, if you find that you
are currently in the same situation as I just described, then I encourage you
to be honest, and seek help with moving towards transitioning out of your unhealthy
dating situation.
Today, I am more content with my singleness, and learning to
be more content day by day. I still desire a Godly marriage, but that desire does
not rule me. I know the next time will be the right time, and the right time is
God’s best time for my life. I Trust you LORD.
3 Ways to
Move towards Wholeness:
Examine yourself: Examine your ways and your
circle of influence. Are you seeing good results? Are you growing, or are you
diminishing as a result of your actions? Your interactions? (See Lamentations
3:40 and Matthew 7:3-5)
Set Standards For yourself: You teach people how
to value and respect you based on what you tolerate from them. You must know
your value, which means you must first pursue inner healing, and renew your
mind. Stop the negative self-talk. Be honest, kind and compassionate to
yourself first. Be Authentic. (See Romans 12:2 and 2 Corinthians 10:5)
Accept that you can only change YOURSELF: Take
responsibility for your life. You can’t force someone to love you no matter how
badly you may want them to. Let them GO! You only want people in your life who
will Celebrate you, edify you and people who will have your best interest at
heart. You want people who will give you Honest feedback. (See Matthew 10:14)
