Friday’s (Show Me My Worth)

For years, I worked in Risk Management, and conducted incident investigations (I loved it).  In Risk Analysis, the goal is to discover the Root Causes of faults, or problems.  Once the “root” is identified, then we establish the proper controls to either eliminate the hazard or mitigate the damages.

Well, when I found myself at my lowest point in life. I found it necessary to ask GOD to reveal to me the “Root Cause” of the issues in my Life. I’m a writer of Poetry, and this is the Prayer/Poem I wrote. I called it “Friday’s (Show Me My Worth). At the time, I hated Friday nights. Loneliness seemed to be at its LOUDEST on Fridays.  Not anymore, thankfully. 

Anyway, I’m dedicating this to anyone who may feel discouraged, overwhelmed or Lonely. God is with you. You are Loved.   More importantly, you are NOT alone.  Jesus Loves you, and I Love you too. I hope you enjoy.

Friday’s

I wish that I could say that

I’ve never been a fool for love

Never Been the type to be

Took advantaged of But,

That’s not my truth and I don’t feel the need to lie to you.

I wish that I could say that

I never act CRAZY,

All the time, Every Time I act like a Lady But,

That’s not my truth, I Know my truth. Now, so do you.

I wish that I could say that

I’ve made the Best decisions

Never said a word to cause any Division But,

No, I’m not perfect. Yes, I’m imperfect. Beautifully Broken.

I wish that I could say that

Every man I’ve ever loved

Always Loved me back But,

That’s not the truth, Truth is Never, Not one.

Never, no not one

Never, no not one

Was well enough to be the man I needed

My heart often conceded or maybe I’m just conceited

Lord, show me the Root Cause of my Hurt

My Heart, Oh God it hurts

Show me my worth Lord

Next time I’ll Seek you First

Friday’s the worst day, Friday my love went away

God, I need to know, show me the Root cause of my hurt

My heart, Lord it hurts

Show me my worth

I wish that I could say that

I’ve never been a fool for love

Never Been the type to be

Took advantaged of But,

That’s not my truth, I know my truth. Now, so do you.

LOYALTY It seems my greatest Strength was my greatest Weakness

LOVED him UNCONDITIONALLY.

I WAS Loyal to a Fault, when he was NEVER Loyal to Me.

I wish that I could say that

Every man I’ve ever loved

Was always Worthy, But

That’s not the truth,

He didn’t deserve it, they don’t deserve it, Heck No, he didn’t deserve it.

Lord, show me the Root Cause of my Hurt

My Heart, Oh God it hurts

Show me my worth Lord

Next time I’ll Seek you First

Friday’s the worst day, Friday’s a tough dy.

Friday my love went away.

God, I need to know, show me the Root cause of my hurt.

My heart, Lord it hurts

Show me my worth LORD.

Next time I’ll keep you first.

Authenticity: Take the Filters Off

Almost, every image-centric platform such as Snapchat, Instagram and Facebook lets their users post filtered photos. Millions of new images are updated daily, and these sites let users filter, edit, and crop out any undesirable aspects of themselves. Interestingly, it usually takes about 4 to 6 selfies, before a person usually decides to upload the one photo deemed to be upload worthy.

Unfortunately, this constant, secret visual manipulation creates an unrealistic portrait to onlookers of what other people and their lives look like. Consequently, this fixation on what we look like has led to decreased self-esteem, and increased anxiety. Now, there are studies being conducted to gain insights into just how much these unrealistic portraits are contributing to a mental health crisis.

Sadly, there are many people whose identities and self-worth are attached to the number of likes, and thumbs they receive underneath their photos. Unfortunately, those same people are left disillusioned by the social media world. And increasingly, as a society we are more concerned with creating the right illusion, that we are forgetting how to create meaningful real-life experiences.

So, it’s no wonder this disillusionment has spilled over into
the dating world……

Dating, whether meeting a person online or organically requires the dater to assume a level of risk.  So, when we decide to take on the daunting task of getting to know someone, we naturally and instinctively will put our “best foot” forward. Our desires to make a good impression intensifies as we inwardly ask, “Could this be the one?”

As a result, we often will withhold certain aspects of our lives and personalities from our prospective beaus. This is a completely normal and acceptable act. After all, you shouldn’t “expose your hand” up front. Especially, since the first date may be too early to know where the relationship is heading.

However, the problem arises when you are six months to one year into the relationship, and you still have not shown your true self to your beau.  This is what I call the “Filter Dating Syndrome.”

Filter Dating Syndrome

The truth is, falling in love, is scary!  Unfortunately, many people use filters in dating. We hide our true selves to make ourselves seem more attractive. We inherently believe that if another person knew all about our imperfections, then they couldn’t, and wouldn’t want to love us. This is caused by having a low self-efficacy. It means that the way we see our true selves is so low, that even if another person were to see your true value, you would distrust that individual.

On the other hand, there are those who are so afraid of being hurt, that they have imprisoned themselves behind a wall of hardheartedness. These people pretend not to care and keep people at a distance. This too is a filter.

Sadly, the root cause of our inferiority complex runs so deep, that it goes unrecognizable even to ourselves. So, we wear masks to hide behind, we put on the rainbow, flower filters, and just smile for the camera. All the while, we’re crying on in the inside and repelling the one thing we truly desire……. Authentic Love.

“We long to share our best selves with the person who would be trustworthy of receiving our best.” Shawn Bolz

 Authentic love requires vulnerability. Vulnerability is defined as the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. No one likes to be vulnerable. No one wants to be in a position where they must give someone else the power to hurt them. Yet, until we do so, we will not receive the deep, satisfying love our heart desires, and that Our Heavenly Father desires for us to have.

Three Ways to be YOU!

  1. Guard your Hearts

Scripture tells us in Proverbs 4:23, “above all else guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” What we think, feel and believe about ourselves impacts our behavior. Take time to pray and ask the Holy Spirit for guidance on identifying the toxic, root cause of your faulty thinking. Seeking help from a Professional Counselor will aid in restoring a healthy self-concept.

  • Start Where You Are

According to Psalm 139: 14, You are fearfully and wonderfully made, so praise God!  Your journey is a God filled journey, and who you are right now, as you read this is so full of value. You are worthy, you are ENOUGH! The person who is meant to love you will celebrate your achievements and your failures, because it made you the person you are today.

  • Practice Being Vulnerable

I love Lamentations 3:40, which says “Let us examine our ways and test them and let us return to the Lord.” Ask yourself, how did you get to this point. Practicing vulnerability simply means, to be honest.  You only need just one person within your sphere of influence with whom you can be comfortable with sharing your story. Tell them your fears, your hopes and dreams. There is so much safety in the multitude of counsel and sharing our thoughts with people helps to provide a fresh perspective. Also, it forces us to consider points of views we may not have considered on our own.

Pouring out our grievances help to strengthen our inner worlds, so we can see God in the outside world.  If you don’t have people surrounding you that you can trust, then I pray the Holy Spirit aligns you with empathetic, and trustworthy people who can listen without prejudice.

In closing, I just want all of you to know that who you really are is worth loving. So, be free in the Lord’s presence.

Be free to show them who you really are. Take the filters off!

My face when I’m trying to see the Real YOU!

Expiration Dating: Knowing When it’s Time to Leave

We are often willing participants in our own victimization, and I hate that. I equally abhor how we stay in disappointing relationships longer than we should. So, the question is “Why do we stay in relationships long past their expiration dates?” So, to better understand this behavior, and why I engaged in such self-defeating behavior for so long (and on more than one occasion), I prayerfully began to explore this topic and discover my own truth. 

My most recent relationship lasted for about 6 ½ years. He was unlike anyone I had ever dated before. However, early in the relationship he told me that he had no peace in moving forward in building a long-term future with me. Granted he was guilty of sending mixed signals, but this isn’t about him, this is a self-examination of my own defeating behaviors. And self-examination is the starting point for growth, (Soooooo, two times for growth! WHOOP WHOOP!).

What is Self- Defeating Behavior?

Self- defeating behavior is any behavior that takes you further away from anything you truly want. It is sabotaging your own health, well-being and happiness. It is doing what you know is not good for you to do.  According to Practical Recovery, some common self-defeating behavioral patterns include:

  • Stubbornness: needing to always be right
  • People pleasing: at the cost of your own happiness or health
  • Obsessing about perfection
  • Blaming: inability to accept responsibility for your own mistakes
  • Procrastination
  • Inability or refusing to ask for help
  • Fear of taking healthy risks
  • Negative Self talk
  • Self-guilt and feeling undeserving of good things in life

More on these behaviors can be found at https://www.practicalrecovery.com/prblog/recognizing-and-changing-self-defeating-behavior/

After examining this list, I realized that I possessed and demonstrated ALL these behaviors at one point in my life. Thank God for his Grace and mercy which allows for growth. But, for years I was bound, I was a prisoner in my own mind, and I didn’t even know it. These worldly, and inferior mindsets robbed me of the opportunity to have a healthy and viable relationship. Don’t let this happen to you!

Why I Stayed?

First, I used to think he was way out of my league, that he was a person that I should aspire to be like. While, I don’t think it was wrong of me to admire his good qualities, it was WRONG that I believed I possessed no good qualities of my own. So, the issue was that I was blind to my own value. I was oblivious to my own loveliness.  Honestly, because I lacked Identity, I shouldn’t have been trying to date anyone. I believe, this is one of the reasons why the bible tells us not to awaken or arouse love before it’s proper time (See: Song of Solomon 8:4).

Secondly, I had low expectations and I failed to set standards. I was hopelessly short-sighted, and I had no real vision for the type of relationship I wanted.  In conjunction with the first reason, if you don’t know who you are, it is IMPOSSIBLE to know what you truly want or Need for that matter.

Lastly, I thought I could change him. Now, this is more difficult to admit. Of course, there are other reasons, I stayed, (but Whew, Chile we only have time for 3 today 😊).  I should have listened to him when he first told me, he had no peace in moving forward. I ignored the flags. In hindsight, I really believed that he would see things from my perspective, and we could move this thing along. However, all this did was force the both of us to live a lie, and not living according to your conviction is hypocrisy. And, hypocrisy murders your spiritual life, and diminishes your peace and your credibility.

Truthfully, this isn’t the first relationship in which I adopted such grandiose delusions of erroneously thinking, “I could change” another human being. Especially, since it is the work of the Holy Spirit to change an individual. I am convinced that we grossly overstep our realm of authority when we attempt to change or control someone, this is manipulation. Manipulation is as witchcraft; IT IS NOT OF GOD!   I have been guilty of this before, I’m sure we all have at some point. Thank God for Grace and Mercy!

The point is, staying in a relationship past its expiration date does more harm than good. I wish I had exited the relationship 6 ½ years earlier, then maybe today we would still be Friends. Now, if you find that you are currently in the same situation as I just described, then I encourage you to be honest, and seek help with moving towards transitioning out of your unhealthy dating situation.  

Today, I am more content with my singleness, and learning to be more content day by day. I still desire a Godly marriage, but that desire does not rule me. I know the next time will be the right time, and the right time is God’s best time for my life. I Trust you LORD.

3 Ways to Move towards Wholeness:

  1. Examine yourself: Examine your ways and your circle of influence. Are you seeing good results? Are you growing, or are you diminishing as a result of your actions? Your interactions? (See Lamentations 3:40 and Matthew 7:3-5)
  • Set Standards For yourself: You teach people how to value and respect you based on what you tolerate from them. You must know your value, which means you must first pursue inner healing, and renew your mind. Stop the negative self-talk. Be honest, kind and compassionate to yourself first. Be Authentic. (See Romans 12:2 and 2 Corinthians 10:5)
  • Accept that you can only change YOURSELF: Take responsibility for your life. You can’t force someone to love you no matter how badly you may want them to. Let them GO! You only want people in your life who will Celebrate you, edify you and people who will have your best interest at heart. You want people who will give you Honest feedback. (See Matthew 10:14)

Be Blessed!

For Marriages Check out this resource.